I was dwellin on it one night..lol
why call me baby?
why call me sweety?
why sleep with me?
why miss me?
why do this with me...and we're not dating?
what's the point?
and why am i letting this happen again?
stand up for yourself melissa
don't do this again
don't get hurt again
don't trust him just because he was a friend
red flag, red flag, red flag
jet, leave, run, get out while you can
save something for the next man
Thursday, March 10, 2011
You Have No Idea
Started back writing poetry..why not
women are beautiful, STRONG creatures
you have NO IDEA
will tell you "everything's fine"
smilin through their lyin
but you have no idea
you think she naggin and complainin
fussin about you lyin and maintainin
but you have no idea
what she's been through before you
you only know what she tells you
and for all the talkin you think she do
you don't even know the half of it
you think she's so "dramatic"
you have no idea
you could be lookin a rape victim in the face
you'd never know
could be lookin at a former mother, abortion disgraced
you'd never know
but you judge her, use her, abuse her..because you can
because you're a man - you have no idea
women are beautiful, STRONG creatures
you have NO IDEA
will tell you "everything's fine"
smilin through their lyin
but you have no idea
you think she naggin and complainin
fussin about you lyin and maintainin
but you have no idea
what she's been through before you
you only know what she tells you
and for all the talkin you think she do
you don't even know the half of it
you think she's so "dramatic"
you have no idea
you could be lookin a rape victim in the face
you'd never know
could be lookin at a former mother, abortion disgraced
you'd never know
but you judge her, use her, abuse her..because you can
because you're a man - you have no idea
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
the rants of a woman hurt
i just dont know anymore. i just dont. why is it that history seems to repeat itself? and not in that cute, "hey look i found ten dollars"..the next day, "oh wow eleven dollars". kinda way. like the....cant believe different guys really do the same shit...like really? i mean...i just dont get it. and men dont understand how much this scars a chick. even in the simplest form i mean..it starts as a "white lie" and next thing you know im wondering if im fat. lol. i mean but its true. like...men make women sooooo insecure. good women...women who should have nothing to worry about, period. i dont get it. i know i deserve the world...i do. not saying im the only woman out there that deserves it..but i know i do. why should i ever settle for less? i mean i never really had a daddy or a big brother...but i feel like if i did..they'd be cursing me out. never settle...never...you deserve so much better than you get. that's what i think they'd say at least. i mean....i dont know. what am i doing wrong? am i doing anything wrong? maybe i just havent found the right one? i dunno....i thought i did. but ive thought that before right? how will i ever know? i thought i knew...maybe im just jumping to conclusions? its so hard to be a woman scorned...so hard...so hard to be damaged goods. im like a fuckin abused puppy...i wanna love my new owner but i loved my last one and they hurt me..what if this one hurts too? fuck my life.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Twenty - Ten
Alright..its been a minute. Haven't written anything in here since 2009...that's odd. However I do tend to write more when I'm unhappy as opposed to happy. I digress, lol. A lot has changed since I last wrote. I got rid of my no good boyfriend, got a new and better job than the last, got a car and a license....and last but not least, found the best man I've ever met in my life. Frickin gold. Lol. I really couldn't ask for more, I mean life is really going well for me right now. I don't have a lot of worries. I'm truly honestly happy. The best I can do when I'm happy is write poems, can't write many blogs because I don't have a lot to be pissed about. Haha. Oops? I might something to piss me off though and rant a little..so don't count me out yet! So I'm about to sit and attempt poetry..been a hot minute since I done that, let's see what happens. :O
Thursday, June 4, 2009
My Mom is My Hero, No Matter What
Ok..this is going to sound super lame..but I don't care. Not that many people read my blog as it is. Lol. So why should I care what sounds lame, right? Yeah. Well I was sitting up going through YouTube videos..for some reason or another I ended up on 'Because of You' by Kelly Clarkson. Good song honestly..always liked it..never seen the video before though. Well..for some reason..it brought me to tears a little because it made me think of my mother. In the video, Kelly is getting into an arguement with her husband..and their daughter peeps around the corner..at this very moment, there's a flashback. It goes back to when Kelly was younger and she peeped in on her mom and dad's arguements and her dad left her and her mom. The over all idea is that because of her dad she can't properly love in her adult life..and it's about to be passed on to her daughter. Deep stuff in my eyes..because I have felt this way about both of my parents at some point in time. I've thought that because of them my future relationships could end up a little screwy.
(you can see the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73-V2A3NuWo)
Moving on a little..that was just a prelude to why I wanted to blog about my mom a little. I feel so many emotions towards her, and I probably always will. I contacted my mom, after three years of not speaking, a few days ago. We stopped speaking because she was obviously having problems that I could not fix and that were bringing me and my little sister down with her. I never truely knew what these problems were. I knew one was drinking..and I assumed there had to be more..but I couldn't really prove it so I let it be. As soon as I contacted her..she admitted to me that she had now got over what was over a ten year concaine addiction. Now don't get me wrong..I had assumed it was cocaine..but I had NO idea it had been that long. So my point is, what all this makes me feel. Firstly, I feel almost guilty that I never noticed until the final years. However, I realize that this addiction started when i was only 8 or 9. She told me where we were living when she started..and that's how old I was then. My sister had just turned one when we lived in that house. That means my mom was never not on drugs since my sister was little. That's so sad for her and my sister in my eyes. I always wondered why things seemed to change so much when my sister was born. I realize there's no way I should have known at that age. I realize that for a young kid to assume their mom is on drugs is a little far fetched. I always loved my mom to death, no matter what. She was always my best friend, I really would tell her anything. She was always an awesome person. I'm not just saying all this becuase she is my mom, everyone loved her. I can't believe this went on that long. I wish I could have figured it out. I wish I could have helped. I know there wasn't much I could have done. It just is still saddening that she had to go through that for so long. She needed help. I wish she could have found it a long time ago.
Then I feel sad that she missed the past three years. She'll never get them back. She missed vital years with my sister..from 12-15 years old. I know that hurts her soul. I'm sad for myself that I haven't had a mom the past three years...because I didn't have anyone I could truely trust. She was always it. She was the one person I knew had my back no matter what. I tried to find that while she was gone..couldn't. No one can love you like a mom can. (not that all mom's do..but you know what I mean..like they 'can')
Lastly, I'm SO happy she finally found her way. She's so happy now. She loves herself again. She's the mom I grew up with. I'm just completely in love with her all over again. I am terrified of her ever going back to that dark place, I will admit. But hopefully seeing where's she's been, and seeing where she is now..will help her never go back. I love my mom..she's been through so much..but she's still my hero. No matter what. I still look up to her. I never stopped. I don't think she'll ever realize that.
(you can see the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73-V2A3NuWo)
Moving on a little..that was just a prelude to why I wanted to blog about my mom a little. I feel so many emotions towards her, and I probably always will. I contacted my mom, after three years of not speaking, a few days ago. We stopped speaking because she was obviously having problems that I could not fix and that were bringing me and my little sister down with her. I never truely knew what these problems were. I knew one was drinking..and I assumed there had to be more..but I couldn't really prove it so I let it be. As soon as I contacted her..she admitted to me that she had now got over what was over a ten year concaine addiction. Now don't get me wrong..I had assumed it was cocaine..but I had NO idea it had been that long. So my point is, what all this makes me feel. Firstly, I feel almost guilty that I never noticed until the final years. However, I realize that this addiction started when i was only 8 or 9. She told me where we were living when she started..and that's how old I was then. My sister had just turned one when we lived in that house. That means my mom was never not on drugs since my sister was little. That's so sad for her and my sister in my eyes. I always wondered why things seemed to change so much when my sister was born. I realize there's no way I should have known at that age. I realize that for a young kid to assume their mom is on drugs is a little far fetched. I always loved my mom to death, no matter what. She was always my best friend, I really would tell her anything. She was always an awesome person. I'm not just saying all this becuase she is my mom, everyone loved her. I can't believe this went on that long. I wish I could have figured it out. I wish I could have helped. I know there wasn't much I could have done. It just is still saddening that she had to go through that for so long. She needed help. I wish she could have found it a long time ago.
Then I feel sad that she missed the past three years. She'll never get them back. She missed vital years with my sister..from 12-15 years old. I know that hurts her soul. I'm sad for myself that I haven't had a mom the past three years...because I didn't have anyone I could truely trust. She was always it. She was the one person I knew had my back no matter what. I tried to find that while she was gone..couldn't. No one can love you like a mom can. (not that all mom's do..but you know what I mean..like they 'can')
Lastly, I'm SO happy she finally found her way. She's so happy now. She loves herself again. She's the mom I grew up with. I'm just completely in love with her all over again. I am terrified of her ever going back to that dark place, I will admit. But hopefully seeing where's she's been, and seeing where she is now..will help her never go back. I love my mom..she's been through so much..but she's still my hero. No matter what. I still look up to her. I never stopped. I don't think she'll ever realize that.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Domestic Violence
This is a blog to speak on something I feel very strongly about. Domestic disputes. I recently wanted to blog about this subject in particular because they seem so very common. Or at least where I'm from. They seem very easy to become a part of if you're not watching yourself.
Now I have been a child who's mom was involved in domestic violence. I have been the friend, who's friend was part of domestic violence. I have been the girlfriend, who tried to fight her boyfriend in a fit of rage. And now, I have been the girlfriend who had to leave her boyfriend, because it looked like he was going to take it to that next level. I never thought I'd see the day, however I knew it was completely possible. No one is immune. You never know what can happen. When you're mad...and/or when another person is mad...you just don't know.
When my mother used to get physically abused by a boyfriend, I used to think of how no two adults should ever let it get to that point. I knew my mom could have started it, I've always been a reasonable person. I look at things from all perspectives. But even if she did start it, why could the man not be the more mature person...and not take it to a physical level. There's a reason why if the cops get called on a regular old fight, and bother parties were struck...both parties can press charges. Because at the end of the day, you usually have the option to walk away. In almost all domestic violence cases..the initiator of the violence, could have just walked away. No matter how mad you are.
Now when my friends would get into these situations..male or female...the initiator..or the victim..I usually hear them out..try to understand the points of view..and then always give the same advice: let it go..take a break...y'all are movin to fast and you're loosing site of what's going on here. Probably no one ever listens..but I try. After that, I'm out of their business. I don't want to know anymore about it unless you're trying to tell me to call the police for you. I'll do that. Other than that, I'm out of it.
When I've been the ''crazy'' girlfriend that wanted to fight her man, I knew I was wrong. I would get so pissed that I would throw things at the wall. After that stopped helping, I threw things at HIM. When that stopped helping, I wanted to shove him, hit him, anything that would get that fire out from under me. I was so wrong, and when he would restrain me..I was never offended. I don't feel that him restraining me, with out hitting me, was rude or disrespectful. That was a good way to handle that situation. I eventually grew up, and learned that I was asking for trouble. That what I was doing was no way to handle that situation and that I was more than hurting him..but also hurting myself. It was a poison. I stopped. I still get pissed, don't get me wrong..and I still want to throw things...but I won't. I walk away. I hang up that phone, even if it's rude. I leave that house. I get out that car. Because it's the more reasonable and mature thing to do, than let my anger get the best of me.
Now recently, I've had to leave my boyfriend (the same one I used to try to fight) because it looked like he was getting too physical. I can not accept that. The worse part is he started getting physical when he was not even provoked. I understand if I shove you, you shove me back. It may not be right, but I get it. He has put his hand forcefully over my mouth because he wanted me to shut up. Not cool. He grabs my arm when he does not want me to do something or move from somewhere. And when he used to ''accidentally'' do that..if I said, ''let go of my arm, that's not cool'' he would...not anymore. He has left me places that are UNSAFE all because he was pissed at me. I've had to walk home. He snatched my phone out of my hand when I told him if he did not let me go I would have to call the police. He got so offended and hurt once he snatched that phone and say it already had 911 on the screen. I don't play with that stuff. These are all MAJOR warning signs. I'd be a fool to sit around and wonder if it'll ever get worse than this. And I WILL call the cops for stuff like this. I would hate to mess up someone's record like that...but I will. It's unacceptable and when I give you a warning and ask you politely...you should take the hint. Don't get me wrong, I love this man to death. Been together for 3 years, a lot invested in each other. But this is a bad road to go down for the both of us. And he won't realize it, I do. And there's a major break a'comin. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, but we can no longer stay together to see what happens the next time someone is pissed.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, I don't know that if someone does..they even know where I'm coming from..but I had to put this out there for me...if no one else. To make it real...not just a notion in my head. Because I need to realize that it is. But my head is up. And I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to pray for the man in question here. I wish him nothing but the best, whether he realizes it or not. But I love myself too much to sit and try to teach him how to act in anger. I just barely know how to act myself. I'm in no position to teach anyone.
Now I have been a child who's mom was involved in domestic violence. I have been the friend, who's friend was part of domestic violence. I have been the girlfriend, who tried to fight her boyfriend in a fit of rage. And now, I have been the girlfriend who had to leave her boyfriend, because it looked like he was going to take it to that next level. I never thought I'd see the day, however I knew it was completely possible. No one is immune. You never know what can happen. When you're mad...and/or when another person is mad...you just don't know.
When my mother used to get physically abused by a boyfriend, I used to think of how no two adults should ever let it get to that point. I knew my mom could have started it, I've always been a reasonable person. I look at things from all perspectives. But even if she did start it, why could the man not be the more mature person...and not take it to a physical level. There's a reason why if the cops get called on a regular old fight, and bother parties were struck...both parties can press charges. Because at the end of the day, you usually have the option to walk away. In almost all domestic violence cases..the initiator of the violence, could have just walked away. No matter how mad you are.
Now when my friends would get into these situations..male or female...the initiator..or the victim..I usually hear them out..try to understand the points of view..and then always give the same advice: let it go..take a break...y'all are movin to fast and you're loosing site of what's going on here. Probably no one ever listens..but I try. After that, I'm out of their business. I don't want to know anymore about it unless you're trying to tell me to call the police for you. I'll do that. Other than that, I'm out of it.
When I've been the ''crazy'' girlfriend that wanted to fight her man, I knew I was wrong. I would get so pissed that I would throw things at the wall. After that stopped helping, I threw things at HIM. When that stopped helping, I wanted to shove him, hit him, anything that would get that fire out from under me. I was so wrong, and when he would restrain me..I was never offended. I don't feel that him restraining me, with out hitting me, was rude or disrespectful. That was a good way to handle that situation. I eventually grew up, and learned that I was asking for trouble. That what I was doing was no way to handle that situation and that I was more than hurting him..but also hurting myself. It was a poison. I stopped. I still get pissed, don't get me wrong..and I still want to throw things...but I won't. I walk away. I hang up that phone, even if it's rude. I leave that house. I get out that car. Because it's the more reasonable and mature thing to do, than let my anger get the best of me.
Now recently, I've had to leave my boyfriend (the same one I used to try to fight) because it looked like he was getting too physical. I can not accept that. The worse part is he started getting physical when he was not even provoked. I understand if I shove you, you shove me back. It may not be right, but I get it. He has put his hand forcefully over my mouth because he wanted me to shut up. Not cool. He grabs my arm when he does not want me to do something or move from somewhere. And when he used to ''accidentally'' do that..if I said, ''let go of my arm, that's not cool'' he would...not anymore. He has left me places that are UNSAFE all because he was pissed at me. I've had to walk home. He snatched my phone out of my hand when I told him if he did not let me go I would have to call the police. He got so offended and hurt once he snatched that phone and say it already had 911 on the screen. I don't play with that stuff. These are all MAJOR warning signs. I'd be a fool to sit around and wonder if it'll ever get worse than this. And I WILL call the cops for stuff like this. I would hate to mess up someone's record like that...but I will. It's unacceptable and when I give you a warning and ask you politely...you should take the hint. Don't get me wrong, I love this man to death. Been together for 3 years, a lot invested in each other. But this is a bad road to go down for the both of us. And he won't realize it, I do. And there's a major break a'comin. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, but we can no longer stay together to see what happens the next time someone is pissed.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, I don't know that if someone does..they even know where I'm coming from..but I had to put this out there for me...if no one else. To make it real...not just a notion in my head. Because I need to realize that it is. But my head is up. And I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to pray for the man in question here. I wish him nothing but the best, whether he realizes it or not. But I love myself too much to sit and try to teach him how to act in anger. I just barely know how to act myself. I'm in no position to teach anyone.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Uplifting Rant?? LOL
You know what? I was just sitting online trying to find an ''uplifting'' poem or article to make me feel better about some things, when I realized...none of that stuff was directly talking to me..so it really wasn't working. So I figured I'd write myself an uplifting something or another. Ya know? So here goes...
I have come from NOTHING and I'm trying to make it into something...and some people try to call themselves supporting me in my struggle..and yet they make sideways comments. Earth to these dumasses!!! Your sideways comments don't support me. They let me know how you really feel at the end of the day. Don't say you support me just because you know it's what a person in your position 'should' do. If you don't agree with something I'm doing...let it be known! Stand up for yourself! I am not your GOD....why beat around the bush with me. No one has to like or agree with everything I do...I don't care who they are. My mother, my sister, my significant other...etc...none of these people need to agree with me for me to live my life. You should just love me in spite of these things. I would appreciate your support, don't get me wrong..but I don't want false sentences..I'm smarter than that...I know you don't mean them. Just tell me you don't agree but you still love me. What's so hard about that???
Those who claim to care about me...don't tell me you want the best for me..and then push me back at every turn. You want me to get a better job...yet you telling me all the reasons why I'm not qualified and all the wrong decisions I've already made...yet you get a better job every other day. You can't help me out? But yet you can tell me what I'm doing right? Has anyone ever heard of encouragement? Do you really think telling me I'm a failure is going to make me wanna go out there and succeed? I mean I know I'm an intelligent female....but hell I got feelings too!! I still, to this day, don't have a person that loves me unconditionally, has my back NO MATTER what, and is telling me the good things I do and have done in life. To be honest, I KNOW I've done some awesome outstanding shit that, if there is a heaven, I'm so on the guest list. However, all I here about is the bad shit. And, to be honest again, I really haven't done that much bad. I make simple ass every day mistakes. I even take responsibility for them and atone for them. Yet I still get no slack. No one ever apologizes to me. I talk good about people all the time, cuz I know people need to hear that. Why doesn't anyone else know that?
So here's this..I'm 23..I take care of a 15 year old girl, BY MYSELF, no help. If you think that's easy..then I hope you never have to find out that you're wrong. I have a job, that sucks my ass hard...and IT itself is hard. Yet I have to hear about how I sit around my house all day and get paid. (My job isn't in my house, btw..so wtf?) I don't have a car. I don't even have a license...I never had a car to take the test in. Yes I know people and I've asked people...but you can guess the out come. I, in the past three years...have lent over 2,000 dollars to a significant other. Just saying to vouch for how crazy nice I am. I realize I will probably never see this money again. I have NO parental figures. I have NO safety net. I dropped outta high school to help my alcoholic mother who never helped herself. Now I don't have the time nor money to go back. I got accepted to 5 colleges in my area. I got an 115o on the SATs back when the max score was 1600. I'm not stupid. Yet I'm in a dumass job. I work hard for everything...no one gives me shit. The best I get is rides from people..and I appreciate those rides and those people. My point is...for the most part...I'm on my own. Yet I can't get any recognition for that. All I hear about is, 'Why you still ain't in school? WTF you waiting on?' Like I wanted this shit. All I hear is, 'Don't you need a car? Why you ain't got a license? WTF is wrong with you?' All I hears is, 'you let your sister do that? you should tell her this, tell her that. here's what i would do. here's how i think kids should be raised even though I've never had any' I mean wtf is wrong with people? If you're 27 and you've never had a kid..and I'm 23 taking care of a 15 year old...because I care about her...not because I asked to...leave me the fuck alone. You don't know what I should do to be honest. You don't know shit but how to get on my nerves!
Either way, I'm beginning to rant..and I am just disappointed by my surroundings. I'm tired of never hearing anything good. I'm exhausted by supporting people who can't or won't support me. I'm just tired of it all. It's alot. And you'd be surprised how much an adult needs parental figures. They're taken for granted. I mean I'm not saying parents rock or nothing...cuz mine don't. I'm just saying..the general concept of parents..is kinda needed. And I'm just wishing I had some right now. All I have is a handful of friends that are just as lost as I am and a boyfriend with the biggest chip on his shoulder about life...he's dam near useless when it comes to optimism. *sigh* I'll get over it.
I have come from NOTHING and I'm trying to make it into something...and some people try to call themselves supporting me in my struggle..and yet they make sideways comments. Earth to these dumasses!!! Your sideways comments don't support me. They let me know how you really feel at the end of the day. Don't say you support me just because you know it's what a person in your position 'should' do. If you don't agree with something I'm doing...let it be known! Stand up for yourself! I am not your GOD....why beat around the bush with me. No one has to like or agree with everything I do...I don't care who they are. My mother, my sister, my significant other...etc...none of these people need to agree with me for me to live my life. You should just love me in spite of these things. I would appreciate your support, don't get me wrong..but I don't want false sentences..I'm smarter than that...I know you don't mean them. Just tell me you don't agree but you still love me. What's so hard about that???
Those who claim to care about me...don't tell me you want the best for me..and then push me back at every turn. You want me to get a better job...yet you telling me all the reasons why I'm not qualified and all the wrong decisions I've already made...yet you get a better job every other day. You can't help me out? But yet you can tell me what I'm doing right? Has anyone ever heard of encouragement? Do you really think telling me I'm a failure is going to make me wanna go out there and succeed? I mean I know I'm an intelligent female....but hell I got feelings too!! I still, to this day, don't have a person that loves me unconditionally, has my back NO MATTER what, and is telling me the good things I do and have done in life. To be honest, I KNOW I've done some awesome outstanding shit that, if there is a heaven, I'm so on the guest list. However, all I here about is the bad shit. And, to be honest again, I really haven't done that much bad. I make simple ass every day mistakes. I even take responsibility for them and atone for them. Yet I still get no slack. No one ever apologizes to me. I talk good about people all the time, cuz I know people need to hear that. Why doesn't anyone else know that?
So here's this..I'm 23..I take care of a 15 year old girl, BY MYSELF, no help. If you think that's easy..then I hope you never have to find out that you're wrong. I have a job, that sucks my ass hard...and IT itself is hard. Yet I have to hear about how I sit around my house all day and get paid. (My job isn't in my house, btw..so wtf?) I don't have a car. I don't even have a license...I never had a car to take the test in. Yes I know people and I've asked people...but you can guess the out come. I, in the past three years...have lent over 2,000 dollars to a significant other. Just saying to vouch for how crazy nice I am. I realize I will probably never see this money again. I have NO parental figures. I have NO safety net. I dropped outta high school to help my alcoholic mother who never helped herself. Now I don't have the time nor money to go back. I got accepted to 5 colleges in my area. I got an 115o on the SATs back when the max score was 1600. I'm not stupid. Yet I'm in a dumass job. I work hard for everything...no one gives me shit. The best I get is rides from people..and I appreciate those rides and those people. My point is...for the most part...I'm on my own. Yet I can't get any recognition for that. All I hear about is, 'Why you still ain't in school? WTF you waiting on?' Like I wanted this shit. All I hear is, 'Don't you need a car? Why you ain't got a license? WTF is wrong with you?' All I hears is, 'you let your sister do that? you should tell her this, tell her that. here's what i would do. here's how i think kids should be raised even though I've never had any' I mean wtf is wrong with people? If you're 27 and you've never had a kid..and I'm 23 taking care of a 15 year old...because I care about her...not because I asked to...leave me the fuck alone. You don't know what I should do to be honest. You don't know shit but how to get on my nerves!
Either way, I'm beginning to rant..and I am just disappointed by my surroundings. I'm tired of never hearing anything good. I'm exhausted by supporting people who can't or won't support me. I'm just tired of it all. It's alot. And you'd be surprised how much an adult needs parental figures. They're taken for granted. I mean I'm not saying parents rock or nothing...cuz mine don't. I'm just saying..the general concept of parents..is kinda needed. And I'm just wishing I had some right now. All I have is a handful of friends that are just as lost as I am and a boyfriend with the biggest chip on his shoulder about life...he's dam near useless when it comes to optimism. *sigh* I'll get over it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
