Okay, so this shall be my first ''real'' blog, so to speak. My last was just an introduction. I'll title this blog when I'm finished, because I know I'm in the mood to write what I'm thinking...but I'm not yet just sure what it is I'm thinking....so bear with me. This is the ''Holiday Season''...this time of year makes a lot of people think about a lot of things, especially to do with family. Now, this subject is a confusing one for me to toy with in my head.
In ''My Glass House'', there isn't much to be said about family...yet I have tons to say. At present, my sister and I live together...by ourselves. I'm going on 23 and my sister just turned 15 (Happy B-Day!!!). We've been living on our own for going on 3 years. We have the same mother, different fathers. We haven't seen or heard from our mother in almost three years. I moved into this apartment December 2007, my mother decided February 2008 not to continue contact with my sister and I. She somehow felt, that by me moving and getting my own place without taking her with me to pay all her bills so she could live free with no job....that this was a betrayal in a way and is now so upset that she doesn't even call to check on her 15 year old. As if a 15 year old doesn't need a mother. *sigh* I love my mother, I really do. I'm not bitter about her actions, not any longer. I'm not always confident that my sister shares my sentiment. She's young, and it's probably hard for her to fully grasp. As adults we can do some trifling things, and we can't expect the youth to understand. We teach all these morals and values and then turn around and throw them out the window when it comes to our own lives.
My sis B-Day was the 6th of December. The second Birthday she's had with no mother or father. I feel so sad for her. I won't say that to her though, I never want her to feel sad for herself or to ever feel a burden to me. Taking care of her is the biggest responsibility I've ever had so far. Yes, it's so hard...and yes, sometimes it's SO overwhelming...but I do it not because I have to, but because I want to. She has so much promise in her life, she's so gifted...and I'm not just saying that to be flattering. She's not even in the room nor will she probably see this...so if it wasn't true I would say so. Lol. She's been top of her class since elementary school. She wants to go to an Ivy League School, and I think she could do it. She sings, dances, draws, and writes songs SO well. Like it genuinely surprises me the things she can do and how well she does them at such a young age. With all this being said, I wonder how in the hell could any parent not love her to death and want to be here for every second of their existence. I mean I know I'm in the same situation and that I don't have a parental figure either...but I'm 22 now and I had my mother figure for at least 18-19 years of my life. That's almost fair, my sister has been cheated in a way.
It's holiday season, and I wonder all the time if I'm doing everything I really can for my sister. I wasn't born knowing how to raise a teenager, and I never expected to be raising my sister....it happened out of nowhere. This is no where near where i thought I would be at this age. Sometimes that makes me sad...almost makes me resentful of my mother and how different my life would have been had she just been responsible. What's done is done now..and I have to make the best of it. But this time of year is always hard and confusing for me. I feel so loved..yet so unwanted in my family life. I know my sister loves me with all her heart...and I love her the same...but then I wonder why everyone ditched us....I've always thought we were so awesome, so how come this happened to us?
I'm so scared of what my sister might think as she gets older...I don't want her to resent my mother. I'm well aware that my mother, even though she had me, is just another human being and no one is perfect. I'm sure she's done the best that she's thought she could do. But when you are young....everything is so black and white with your parents and it's hard to understand any gray.
Either way....this is what's going on in My Glass House everyday.....amongst other things. And I just wonder what tomorrow will bring.....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I feel your pain mak, I hate the holidays because it brings up family issues and I've been on my own since 17 and this is the 3rd christmas since i have talked to any of them but at least you don't resent yours like I do.
wow. i feel the same way about my dad's death. because thats wat makes it feel so bad. it feels like someone u love is dead 2 u, and no matter how hardcore we think we are, we don't want that. im proud of u for still loving ur mom, cuz u don't owe it to her, yet u still care. and i think ur sister is gonna eventually care to.
Post a Comment