Why do old habits die so hard sometimes. When I make this statement, honestly, I have Love habits on my mind. A lot of people compare Love to a drug; people say that Love can be very addicting. Once again, honestly, I would have to agree almost 90% of the time. I've even read that there is basis to this story in that dopamine is secreted in the brain when a person is in Love. Which gives the feeling of euphoria, therefore causing us to want more....causing us to fiend when its no longer there. *sigh* Life is complicated enough as it is without knowing this. I mean, people these days tend to casually date....which is really just putting your heart out there time and time again, never really knowing if this person is ''the one'' or if the next five will be. You know what I mean? Geezus.
Well this leads to my present thoughts. I will have to say I've probably been in Love with this one person for going on 3 years now. It is starting to hit really hard times right now though. When I say hard times...I mean, I'm not even sure if we still go together half the time. I never know anything anymore, and neither does he. It's absolutely awful. However, because of old habits...even when I know I'm pissed off at him, and I know he's wrong....I'll turn around and want to be up under him. When I go somewhere..I instinctively want to invite him. When I'm shopping I still want to get him things. I have no clue whether he does the same when he's by himself, but I know I do out of habit. It leads me terrified of the fact that if we are ''broken up'' that I will have to get over all of this. It's horribly depressing. Even if I knew it were for the best, the ''withdrawal'' would be awful. It makes me wonder, how many people out there stay together...just to avoid ever having to get over each other???
I have often caught myself wanting to fix my relationship purely off of the fear of having to get over my relationship. When I catch myself doing this, it scares the hell out of me! I mean it's so scary to have to deal with our inner emotions sometimes...and some people chose to just not deal at all. I don't ever want to become one of those people. But I am still fairly young and I haven't been in a ton of serious relationships. So it's hard to distinguish between whether I should stick around and try to work it out with this guy...or if it's run it's course and it's time to move on. How do you know when it's really over???
Well enough of this depressing-ness...but seriously, if anyone can shed some light.....please do.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
i hate my life right now.....sorry
i am not using correct punctuation and ish in this one...i could care less...i just wanted to vent. i hate my life so much right now....i mean...im happy to be alive of course, so dont start giving me a speech...i dont want it. fuck you. im so unhappy. im no where i ever wanted to be, other than outta my mom's craziness..thats it....im not in school, im not in an anywhere near ideal job, im not in an anywhere near stable relationship, some of my best friends are no where near me...because they are doin the things with their lives that they wanted to do. im the left overs. im what happened after class of 2004 graduated from my school....im the shit they scraped up. smh.
i have NO help with raising my sis....yes i have maybe one person that will watch her for me here and there...but to be honest, i think that if it werent for her having a two year old..that my sis takes off her hands...she would mysteriously be too busy to keep my sis. i have a friend that does give me rides to places when i need it...but she doesnt have anything else to do right now...she will eventually get busy living her life. this is what adults do. however...i was forced into adulthood while everyone else was fucking around...now they've started to get the hand of adulthood....and im sucking at it still...its a fuckin wonder to me.
i have/had? a boyfriend for whom i dam near worshipped for all of two years, played house like a motherfucker....and he wouldnt call me his girlfriend for all these legitimate sounding reasons at the time...so what does my dumass do? stick around until i get what i want. he finally admits a real relationship between us almost three years in...and now im learning the true meaning of 'be careful what you ask for'. smh. i see why he didnt want a relationship now. why the fuck did i not just get that three years ago??!! am i that fuckin stupid?? fuck. its so ridiculous...AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* i just want this part of my life to pass and get to the good parts already...im tired of all of this ''do good and good will come your way'' ive been an fuckin outstanding human bein for a while now....and im still getting ran through the wringer.....when does this slow torture stop?! thank god i have no children of my own. thank god. i dont think i could take anymore stress or a dumass man im stuck with for the rest of my life in some shape or form becuz of a kid. ugh.
WHY IS EVERYONE AROUND ME A DUMASS....for gods sakes i really wonder if my 15 year old sister is the smartest person around here sumtimes...im going to stop rambling now...cuz its going to start repeating itself in a minute im sure......tune in for my next mental breakdown!!!
i have NO help with raising my sis....yes i have maybe one person that will watch her for me here and there...but to be honest, i think that if it werent for her having a two year old..that my sis takes off her hands...she would mysteriously be too busy to keep my sis. i have a friend that does give me rides to places when i need it...but she doesnt have anything else to do right now...she will eventually get busy living her life. this is what adults do. however...i was forced into adulthood while everyone else was fucking around...now they've started to get the hand of adulthood....and im sucking at it still...its a fuckin wonder to me.
i have/had? a boyfriend for whom i dam near worshipped for all of two years, played house like a motherfucker....and he wouldnt call me his girlfriend for all these legitimate sounding reasons at the time...so what does my dumass do? stick around until i get what i want. he finally admits a real relationship between us almost three years in...and now im learning the true meaning of 'be careful what you ask for'. smh. i see why he didnt want a relationship now. why the fuck did i not just get that three years ago??!! am i that fuckin stupid?? fuck. its so ridiculous...AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* i just want this part of my life to pass and get to the good parts already...im tired of all of this ''do good and good will come your way'' ive been an fuckin outstanding human bein for a while now....and im still getting ran through the wringer.....when does this slow torture stop?! thank god i have no children of my own. thank god. i dont think i could take anymore stress or a dumass man im stuck with for the rest of my life in some shape or form becuz of a kid. ugh.
WHY IS EVERYONE AROUND ME A DUMASS....for gods sakes i really wonder if my 15 year old sister is the smartest person around here sumtimes...im going to stop rambling now...cuz its going to start repeating itself in a minute im sure......tune in for my next mental breakdown!!!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Siblings, Myspace, And Slightly Stalking...LOL
Soooo...I recently asked the random people at ''thisisbeptv.com'' a question for advise. I have since received about four or five replies to this question, which has got me thinking. Here's the story...
I am 22 years old (in case you've missed that in previous posts) and I haven't seen my father since I was one. No hard feelings. He and my mother had divorced, he moved to Tennessee and my mother stayed here in South Carolina. I was both he and my mother's first child. Since, my mother had another daughter...and he's had another daughter and three boys by two other women. He and my mother lost contact at some point in time before I even hit kindergarten. His parents (my grandparents) found me when I was in, I think, first grade. I had some fun with them, then we lost contact with them as well. Either way, I took it upon my self when I was 18 and in my senior year in high school to search for my father to speak with him at least once in my lifetime and his. I found him through my grandparents (I still had their address on an old card). I spoke with him on the phone a couple of times and it was awkward as hell for me and therefore short lived on my part. I began to stop answering his calls and not calling him. He kept wanting me to come see him or come live with him...and I just wasn't comfortable nor did i really have the means at the time. However, it became all he wanted to talk about....so I just got annoyed with it.
Needless to say...my other siblings with him are a now 19 year old brother, 17 year old sister, and two very young brothers. The two older children I spoke to when I contacted him the first time. The sister was very happy to not be the only girl in the family as she once thought she was...the brother (who until that point had been the ''oldest'') was not so amused and only spoke to me because our dad asked him to, I believe. Either way, never spoke to them again.
Now to present day. I probably haven't spoke to my father in almost a year (for reasons of my own) and yet I have recently stumbled across both my brother and sister on Myspace (of all places). So my question to the good people on ''thisisbeptv.com'' was...''Should I make attempt to contact them over Myspace, and would that be creepy if I did?'' I was honestly surprised at the all around unanimous response to this question (which I should have already known, but I didn't). Everyone said that I should definitely reach out to them. It was even pointed out by Ms. ''Golden'' that I had more to gain then loose. This was a good point once I thought it over. ''LilBoyFresh'' stated that they should be more amazed then creeped out by it. I've taken all of this into consideration. Now I feel like it's a no brainer...that I should definitely contact them. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to say..and how to say it. Ya know?
I understand that not everyone has access to their family members. I realize that there are people out there that wish they could get in contact with their sisters and brothers and I have the opportunity in front of me. So I'm gonna do it kids!!! Wish me luck..and I will keep you posted as to the results.... =)
I am 22 years old (in case you've missed that in previous posts) and I haven't seen my father since I was one. No hard feelings. He and my mother had divorced, he moved to Tennessee and my mother stayed here in South Carolina. I was both he and my mother's first child. Since, my mother had another daughter...and he's had another daughter and three boys by two other women. He and my mother lost contact at some point in time before I even hit kindergarten. His parents (my grandparents) found me when I was in, I think, first grade. I had some fun with them, then we lost contact with them as well. Either way, I took it upon my self when I was 18 and in my senior year in high school to search for my father to speak with him at least once in my lifetime and his. I found him through my grandparents (I still had their address on an old card). I spoke with him on the phone a couple of times and it was awkward as hell for me and therefore short lived on my part. I began to stop answering his calls and not calling him. He kept wanting me to come see him or come live with him...and I just wasn't comfortable nor did i really have the means at the time. However, it became all he wanted to talk about....so I just got annoyed with it.
Needless to say...my other siblings with him are a now 19 year old brother, 17 year old sister, and two very young brothers. The two older children I spoke to when I contacted him the first time. The sister was very happy to not be the only girl in the family as she once thought she was...the brother (who until that point had been the ''oldest'') was not so amused and only spoke to me because our dad asked him to, I believe. Either way, never spoke to them again.
Now to present day. I probably haven't spoke to my father in almost a year (for reasons of my own) and yet I have recently stumbled across both my brother and sister on Myspace (of all places). So my question to the good people on ''thisisbeptv.com'' was...''Should I make attempt to contact them over Myspace, and would that be creepy if I did?'' I was honestly surprised at the all around unanimous response to this question (which I should have already known, but I didn't). Everyone said that I should definitely reach out to them. It was even pointed out by Ms. ''Golden'' that I had more to gain then loose. This was a good point once I thought it over. ''LilBoyFresh'' stated that they should be more amazed then creeped out by it. I've taken all of this into consideration. Now I feel like it's a no brainer...that I should definitely contact them. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to say..and how to say it. Ya know?
I understand that not everyone has access to their family members. I realize that there are people out there that wish they could get in contact with their sisters and brothers and I have the opportunity in front of me. So I'm gonna do it kids!!! Wish me luck..and I will keep you posted as to the results.... =)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
