Ok..this is going to sound super lame..but I don't care. Not that many people read my blog as it is. Lol. So why should I care what sounds lame, right? Yeah. Well I was sitting up going through YouTube videos..for some reason or another I ended up on 'Because of You' by Kelly Clarkson. Good song honestly..always liked it..never seen the video before though. Well..for some reason..it brought me to tears a little because it made me think of my mother. In the video, Kelly is getting into an arguement with her husband..and their daughter peeps around the corner..at this very moment, there's a flashback. It goes back to when Kelly was younger and she peeped in on her mom and dad's arguements and her dad left her and her mom. The over all idea is that because of her dad she can't properly love in her adult life..and it's about to be passed on to her daughter. Deep stuff in my eyes..because I have felt this way about both of my parents at some point in time. I've thought that because of them my future relationships could end up a little screwy.
(you can see the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73-V2A3NuWo)
Moving on a little..that was just a prelude to why I wanted to blog about my mom a little. I feel so many emotions towards her, and I probably always will. I contacted my mom, after three years of not speaking, a few days ago. We stopped speaking because she was obviously having problems that I could not fix and that were bringing me and my little sister down with her. I never truely knew what these problems were. I knew one was drinking..and I assumed there had to be more..but I couldn't really prove it so I let it be. As soon as I contacted her..she admitted to me that she had now got over what was over a ten year concaine addiction. Now don't get me wrong..I had assumed it was cocaine..but I had NO idea it had been that long. So my point is, what all this makes me feel. Firstly, I feel almost guilty that I never noticed until the final years. However, I realize that this addiction started when i was only 8 or 9. She told me where we were living when she started..and that's how old I was then. My sister had just turned one when we lived in that house. That means my mom was never not on drugs since my sister was little. That's so sad for her and my sister in my eyes. I always wondered why things seemed to change so much when my sister was born. I realize there's no way I should have known at that age. I realize that for a young kid to assume their mom is on drugs is a little far fetched. I always loved my mom to death, no matter what. She was always my best friend, I really would tell her anything. She was always an awesome person. I'm not just saying all this becuase she is my mom, everyone loved her. I can't believe this went on that long. I wish I could have figured it out. I wish I could have helped. I know there wasn't much I could have done. It just is still saddening that she had to go through that for so long. She needed help. I wish she could have found it a long time ago.
Then I feel sad that she missed the past three years. She'll never get them back. She missed vital years with my sister..from 12-15 years old. I know that hurts her soul. I'm sad for myself that I haven't had a mom the past three years...because I didn't have anyone I could truely trust. She was always it. She was the one person I knew had my back no matter what. I tried to find that while she was gone..couldn't. No one can love you like a mom can. (not that all mom's do..but you know what I mean..like they 'can')
Lastly, I'm SO happy she finally found her way. She's so happy now. She loves herself again. She's the mom I grew up with. I'm just completely in love with her all over again. I am terrified of her ever going back to that dark place, I will admit. But hopefully seeing where's she's been, and seeing where she is now..will help her never go back. I love my mom..she's been through so much..but she's still my hero. No matter what. I still look up to her. I never stopped. I don't think she'll ever realize that.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Domestic Violence
This is a blog to speak on something I feel very strongly about. Domestic disputes. I recently wanted to blog about this subject in particular because they seem so very common. Or at least where I'm from. They seem very easy to become a part of if you're not watching yourself.
Now I have been a child who's mom was involved in domestic violence. I have been the friend, who's friend was part of domestic violence. I have been the girlfriend, who tried to fight her boyfriend in a fit of rage. And now, I have been the girlfriend who had to leave her boyfriend, because it looked like he was going to take it to that next level. I never thought I'd see the day, however I knew it was completely possible. No one is immune. You never know what can happen. When you're mad...and/or when another person is mad...you just don't know.
When my mother used to get physically abused by a boyfriend, I used to think of how no two adults should ever let it get to that point. I knew my mom could have started it, I've always been a reasonable person. I look at things from all perspectives. But even if she did start it, why could the man not be the more mature person...and not take it to a physical level. There's a reason why if the cops get called on a regular old fight, and bother parties were struck...both parties can press charges. Because at the end of the day, you usually have the option to walk away. In almost all domestic violence cases..the initiator of the violence, could have just walked away. No matter how mad you are.
Now when my friends would get into these situations..male or female...the initiator..or the victim..I usually hear them out..try to understand the points of view..and then always give the same advice: let it go..take a break...y'all are movin to fast and you're loosing site of what's going on here. Probably no one ever listens..but I try. After that, I'm out of their business. I don't want to know anymore about it unless you're trying to tell me to call the police for you. I'll do that. Other than that, I'm out of it.
When I've been the ''crazy'' girlfriend that wanted to fight her man, I knew I was wrong. I would get so pissed that I would throw things at the wall. After that stopped helping, I threw things at HIM. When that stopped helping, I wanted to shove him, hit him, anything that would get that fire out from under me. I was so wrong, and when he would restrain me..I was never offended. I don't feel that him restraining me, with out hitting me, was rude or disrespectful. That was a good way to handle that situation. I eventually grew up, and learned that I was asking for trouble. That what I was doing was no way to handle that situation and that I was more than hurting him..but also hurting myself. It was a poison. I stopped. I still get pissed, don't get me wrong..and I still want to throw things...but I won't. I walk away. I hang up that phone, even if it's rude. I leave that house. I get out that car. Because it's the more reasonable and mature thing to do, than let my anger get the best of me.
Now recently, I've had to leave my boyfriend (the same one I used to try to fight) because it looked like he was getting too physical. I can not accept that. The worse part is he started getting physical when he was not even provoked. I understand if I shove you, you shove me back. It may not be right, but I get it. He has put his hand forcefully over my mouth because he wanted me to shut up. Not cool. He grabs my arm when he does not want me to do something or move from somewhere. And when he used to ''accidentally'' do that..if I said, ''let go of my arm, that's not cool'' he would...not anymore. He has left me places that are UNSAFE all because he was pissed at me. I've had to walk home. He snatched my phone out of my hand when I told him if he did not let me go I would have to call the police. He got so offended and hurt once he snatched that phone and say it already had 911 on the screen. I don't play with that stuff. These are all MAJOR warning signs. I'd be a fool to sit around and wonder if it'll ever get worse than this. And I WILL call the cops for stuff like this. I would hate to mess up someone's record like that...but I will. It's unacceptable and when I give you a warning and ask you politely...you should take the hint. Don't get me wrong, I love this man to death. Been together for 3 years, a lot invested in each other. But this is a bad road to go down for the both of us. And he won't realize it, I do. And there's a major break a'comin. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, but we can no longer stay together to see what happens the next time someone is pissed.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, I don't know that if someone does..they even know where I'm coming from..but I had to put this out there for me...if no one else. To make it real...not just a notion in my head. Because I need to realize that it is. But my head is up. And I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to pray for the man in question here. I wish him nothing but the best, whether he realizes it or not. But I love myself too much to sit and try to teach him how to act in anger. I just barely know how to act myself. I'm in no position to teach anyone.
Now I have been a child who's mom was involved in domestic violence. I have been the friend, who's friend was part of domestic violence. I have been the girlfriend, who tried to fight her boyfriend in a fit of rage. And now, I have been the girlfriend who had to leave her boyfriend, because it looked like he was going to take it to that next level. I never thought I'd see the day, however I knew it was completely possible. No one is immune. You never know what can happen. When you're mad...and/or when another person is mad...you just don't know.
When my mother used to get physically abused by a boyfriend, I used to think of how no two adults should ever let it get to that point. I knew my mom could have started it, I've always been a reasonable person. I look at things from all perspectives. But even if she did start it, why could the man not be the more mature person...and not take it to a physical level. There's a reason why if the cops get called on a regular old fight, and bother parties were struck...both parties can press charges. Because at the end of the day, you usually have the option to walk away. In almost all domestic violence cases..the initiator of the violence, could have just walked away. No matter how mad you are.
Now when my friends would get into these situations..male or female...the initiator..or the victim..I usually hear them out..try to understand the points of view..and then always give the same advice: let it go..take a break...y'all are movin to fast and you're loosing site of what's going on here. Probably no one ever listens..but I try. After that, I'm out of their business. I don't want to know anymore about it unless you're trying to tell me to call the police for you. I'll do that. Other than that, I'm out of it.
When I've been the ''crazy'' girlfriend that wanted to fight her man, I knew I was wrong. I would get so pissed that I would throw things at the wall. After that stopped helping, I threw things at HIM. When that stopped helping, I wanted to shove him, hit him, anything that would get that fire out from under me. I was so wrong, and when he would restrain me..I was never offended. I don't feel that him restraining me, with out hitting me, was rude or disrespectful. That was a good way to handle that situation. I eventually grew up, and learned that I was asking for trouble. That what I was doing was no way to handle that situation and that I was more than hurting him..but also hurting myself. It was a poison. I stopped. I still get pissed, don't get me wrong..and I still want to throw things...but I won't. I walk away. I hang up that phone, even if it's rude. I leave that house. I get out that car. Because it's the more reasonable and mature thing to do, than let my anger get the best of me.
Now recently, I've had to leave my boyfriend (the same one I used to try to fight) because it looked like he was getting too physical. I can not accept that. The worse part is he started getting physical when he was not even provoked. I understand if I shove you, you shove me back. It may not be right, but I get it. He has put his hand forcefully over my mouth because he wanted me to shut up. Not cool. He grabs my arm when he does not want me to do something or move from somewhere. And when he used to ''accidentally'' do that..if I said, ''let go of my arm, that's not cool'' he would...not anymore. He has left me places that are UNSAFE all because he was pissed at me. I've had to walk home. He snatched my phone out of my hand when I told him if he did not let me go I would have to call the police. He got so offended and hurt once he snatched that phone and say it already had 911 on the screen. I don't play with that stuff. These are all MAJOR warning signs. I'd be a fool to sit around and wonder if it'll ever get worse than this. And I WILL call the cops for stuff like this. I would hate to mess up someone's record like that...but I will. It's unacceptable and when I give you a warning and ask you politely...you should take the hint. Don't get me wrong, I love this man to death. Been together for 3 years, a lot invested in each other. But this is a bad road to go down for the both of us. And he won't realize it, I do. And there's a major break a'comin. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, but we can no longer stay together to see what happens the next time someone is pissed.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, I don't know that if someone does..they even know where I'm coming from..but I had to put this out there for me...if no one else. To make it real...not just a notion in my head. Because I need to realize that it is. But my head is up. And I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to pray for the man in question here. I wish him nothing but the best, whether he realizes it or not. But I love myself too much to sit and try to teach him how to act in anger. I just barely know how to act myself. I'm in no position to teach anyone.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Uplifting Rant?? LOL
You know what? I was just sitting online trying to find an ''uplifting'' poem or article to make me feel better about some things, when I realized...none of that stuff was directly talking to me..so it really wasn't working. So I figured I'd write myself an uplifting something or another. Ya know? So here goes...
I have come from NOTHING and I'm trying to make it into something...and some people try to call themselves supporting me in my struggle..and yet they make sideways comments. Earth to these dumasses!!! Your sideways comments don't support me. They let me know how you really feel at the end of the day. Don't say you support me just because you know it's what a person in your position 'should' do. If you don't agree with something I'm doing...let it be known! Stand up for yourself! I am not your GOD....why beat around the bush with me. No one has to like or agree with everything I do...I don't care who they are. My mother, my sister, my significant other...etc...none of these people need to agree with me for me to live my life. You should just love me in spite of these things. I would appreciate your support, don't get me wrong..but I don't want false sentences..I'm smarter than that...I know you don't mean them. Just tell me you don't agree but you still love me. What's so hard about that???
Those who claim to care about me...don't tell me you want the best for me..and then push me back at every turn. You want me to get a better job...yet you telling me all the reasons why I'm not qualified and all the wrong decisions I've already made...yet you get a better job every other day. You can't help me out? But yet you can tell me what I'm doing right? Has anyone ever heard of encouragement? Do you really think telling me I'm a failure is going to make me wanna go out there and succeed? I mean I know I'm an intelligent female....but hell I got feelings too!! I still, to this day, don't have a person that loves me unconditionally, has my back NO MATTER what, and is telling me the good things I do and have done in life. To be honest, I KNOW I've done some awesome outstanding shit that, if there is a heaven, I'm so on the guest list. However, all I here about is the bad shit. And, to be honest again, I really haven't done that much bad. I make simple ass every day mistakes. I even take responsibility for them and atone for them. Yet I still get no slack. No one ever apologizes to me. I talk good about people all the time, cuz I know people need to hear that. Why doesn't anyone else know that?
So here's this..I'm 23..I take care of a 15 year old girl, BY MYSELF, no help. If you think that's easy..then I hope you never have to find out that you're wrong. I have a job, that sucks my ass hard...and IT itself is hard. Yet I have to hear about how I sit around my house all day and get paid. (My job isn't in my house, btw..so wtf?) I don't have a car. I don't even have a license...I never had a car to take the test in. Yes I know people and I've asked people...but you can guess the out come. I, in the past three years...have lent over 2,000 dollars to a significant other. Just saying to vouch for how crazy nice I am. I realize I will probably never see this money again. I have NO parental figures. I have NO safety net. I dropped outta high school to help my alcoholic mother who never helped herself. Now I don't have the time nor money to go back. I got accepted to 5 colleges in my area. I got an 115o on the SATs back when the max score was 1600. I'm not stupid. Yet I'm in a dumass job. I work hard for everything...no one gives me shit. The best I get is rides from people..and I appreciate those rides and those people. My point is...for the most part...I'm on my own. Yet I can't get any recognition for that. All I hear about is, 'Why you still ain't in school? WTF you waiting on?' Like I wanted this shit. All I hear is, 'Don't you need a car? Why you ain't got a license? WTF is wrong with you?' All I hears is, 'you let your sister do that? you should tell her this, tell her that. here's what i would do. here's how i think kids should be raised even though I've never had any' I mean wtf is wrong with people? If you're 27 and you've never had a kid..and I'm 23 taking care of a 15 year old...because I care about her...not because I asked to...leave me the fuck alone. You don't know what I should do to be honest. You don't know shit but how to get on my nerves!
Either way, I'm beginning to rant..and I am just disappointed by my surroundings. I'm tired of never hearing anything good. I'm exhausted by supporting people who can't or won't support me. I'm just tired of it all. It's alot. And you'd be surprised how much an adult needs parental figures. They're taken for granted. I mean I'm not saying parents rock or nothing...cuz mine don't. I'm just saying..the general concept of parents..is kinda needed. And I'm just wishing I had some right now. All I have is a handful of friends that are just as lost as I am and a boyfriend with the biggest chip on his shoulder about life...he's dam near useless when it comes to optimism. *sigh* I'll get over it.
I have come from NOTHING and I'm trying to make it into something...and some people try to call themselves supporting me in my struggle..and yet they make sideways comments. Earth to these dumasses!!! Your sideways comments don't support me. They let me know how you really feel at the end of the day. Don't say you support me just because you know it's what a person in your position 'should' do. If you don't agree with something I'm doing...let it be known! Stand up for yourself! I am not your GOD....why beat around the bush with me. No one has to like or agree with everything I do...I don't care who they are. My mother, my sister, my significant other...etc...none of these people need to agree with me for me to live my life. You should just love me in spite of these things. I would appreciate your support, don't get me wrong..but I don't want false sentences..I'm smarter than that...I know you don't mean them. Just tell me you don't agree but you still love me. What's so hard about that???
Those who claim to care about me...don't tell me you want the best for me..and then push me back at every turn. You want me to get a better job...yet you telling me all the reasons why I'm not qualified and all the wrong decisions I've already made...yet you get a better job every other day. You can't help me out? But yet you can tell me what I'm doing right? Has anyone ever heard of encouragement? Do you really think telling me I'm a failure is going to make me wanna go out there and succeed? I mean I know I'm an intelligent female....but hell I got feelings too!! I still, to this day, don't have a person that loves me unconditionally, has my back NO MATTER what, and is telling me the good things I do and have done in life. To be honest, I KNOW I've done some awesome outstanding shit that, if there is a heaven, I'm so on the guest list. However, all I here about is the bad shit. And, to be honest again, I really haven't done that much bad. I make simple ass every day mistakes. I even take responsibility for them and atone for them. Yet I still get no slack. No one ever apologizes to me. I talk good about people all the time, cuz I know people need to hear that. Why doesn't anyone else know that?
So here's this..I'm 23..I take care of a 15 year old girl, BY MYSELF, no help. If you think that's easy..then I hope you never have to find out that you're wrong. I have a job, that sucks my ass hard...and IT itself is hard. Yet I have to hear about how I sit around my house all day and get paid. (My job isn't in my house, btw..so wtf?) I don't have a car. I don't even have a license...I never had a car to take the test in. Yes I know people and I've asked people...but you can guess the out come. I, in the past three years...have lent over 2,000 dollars to a significant other. Just saying to vouch for how crazy nice I am. I realize I will probably never see this money again. I have NO parental figures. I have NO safety net. I dropped outta high school to help my alcoholic mother who never helped herself. Now I don't have the time nor money to go back. I got accepted to 5 colleges in my area. I got an 115o on the SATs back when the max score was 1600. I'm not stupid. Yet I'm in a dumass job. I work hard for everything...no one gives me shit. The best I get is rides from people..and I appreciate those rides and those people. My point is...for the most part...I'm on my own. Yet I can't get any recognition for that. All I hear about is, 'Why you still ain't in school? WTF you waiting on?' Like I wanted this shit. All I hear is, 'Don't you need a car? Why you ain't got a license? WTF is wrong with you?' All I hears is, 'you let your sister do that? you should tell her this, tell her that. here's what i would do. here's how i think kids should be raised even though I've never had any' I mean wtf is wrong with people? If you're 27 and you've never had a kid..and I'm 23 taking care of a 15 year old...because I care about her...not because I asked to...leave me the fuck alone. You don't know what I should do to be honest. You don't know shit but how to get on my nerves!
Either way, I'm beginning to rant..and I am just disappointed by my surroundings. I'm tired of never hearing anything good. I'm exhausted by supporting people who can't or won't support me. I'm just tired of it all. It's alot. And you'd be surprised how much an adult needs parental figures. They're taken for granted. I mean I'm not saying parents rock or nothing...cuz mine don't. I'm just saying..the general concept of parents..is kinda needed. And I'm just wishing I had some right now. All I have is a handful of friends that are just as lost as I am and a boyfriend with the biggest chip on his shoulder about life...he's dam near useless when it comes to optimism. *sigh* I'll get over it.
Equal or Not Equal? Men and Women
Let's see...topic for today...how about hypocrisy? How about hypocrisy in relationships? Are men and really so different that we should be able to get away with different things in relationships? Are we equal? Where should the line be drawn? This is a debate I have with myself frequently. Oddly enough...I can argue both side on this one. Sometimes I feel we are different and therefore situations are going to be handled as such, then other times I feel we're not so different that we shouldn't just get away with certain things due to gender....it's so confusing for me. Maybe you can help me out with this one.
Ok, let's try an extreme example in a relationship and then work our way simple. That's the way I like to operate debates. Let's say a man gets oral sex from a female that's not his girlfriend. It wasn't emotional..he just 'got some head' that's it. Never even spoke to the chic again. Most men, and a lot of women would say he should be forgiven for this infidelity because it was just head. Men like to argue that head just ain't that serious, some even argue that head isn't cheating. Ok...let's say i wanted to agree (which I don't, lol), is it cool for the chic to go out and get some anonymous oral sex too? No emotions...just some guy she let 'lick the cat' (lol) and that was it. Is that cool? Most guys would flip the fuck out at this question and say 'HELL NO'. Which always cracks me up. They don't like that shit one bit. But it's super cool to get 'sum head'. I've had a guy tell me that because men are men..it's ok for them..but that women aren't suppose to conduct themselves this way. My arguement was, what makes you think men are supposed to conduct themselves like that? He tried to pull the cave man-esk arguement of men, as in when we all first came to be and were basically animals in a sense, were not meant to be with one woman and they are to sow their oats, so to speak. My arguement is...well we were using cell phones then either, should I stop paying my bill and tell AT&T I don't pay because it wasn't in my nature? Which is my way of trying to explain that you can't use old ass logic to explain a present day situation to me. Blacks and Whites used to not be allowed to marry...should all interacial couples never marry now? I mean come on..that list of examples could go on forever.
So I mean my point is....are we that different on who can and can't get free will oral sex? lol. My opinion would be...on that subject, we're the same. Wrong is wrong....if you want some head...get it from your significant other..or not at all. If you must get it from someone else...at least let the person your with know this...or break up with them. It's a nasty practice and just immoral. Have some respect and dignity for yourself and the ones you claim to care for.
Next example, less extreme....men would like to say that it's perferctly okay for them to have a plethera of female friends...but women shouldn't (while in relationships). I had the same guy argue me that it's okay for men to have female friends because they won't get taken advantage of, because it's not like some female is going to over power them and rape them. He felt like a female in a relationship shouldn't have male friends because if something bad happened to the girlfriend by one of her 'guy friends' it would be so awful. My arguement was....you don't have to have guy friends to get raped, for one. That's just a general concern for any woman. Then I tried to explain the concept of trust in a relationship and the possibility of spending more time with other women then your girlfriend...which can happen with too many female friends. And that's something..that if a girlfriend where to blow her boyfriend off for guy friends, it'd be ''curtains''. lol. Ya know what I'm saying? Him and I went back and forth on that for a while and never really agreed. My over all opinion is that it's cool for both sexes to have a few friends of the opposite sex....no problem. Now if you're married...that gets a lil more complex...but I'ma keep it simple...we're not going there. lol. My only thing is, if you have a friend of the opposite sex that you don't want to introduce to you significant other or bring them around...they probably shouldn't exist in the first place. That's all I'm saying. And if, at any time, you start to feel that friend might be trying to cross that friend line....red flag!!! You just gotta be respectful to the person you claim to love and want to be with. Friends are friends..no biggie...but remember, we don't flirt with friends. You shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with opposite sex friends unless one of you is dying...lol. Like use common sense. And guys who expect to be the only male friend in their girlfriends life, don't be surprised when your girl wants all your time and wants to talk constantly about shit you don't care about. You wanted to be her ONLY male friend....so step up and eat it. You asked for it.
But y'all let me know what you think of this....I got more debatable subjects coming I promise..lol.
Ok, let's try an extreme example in a relationship and then work our way simple. That's the way I like to operate debates. Let's say a man gets oral sex from a female that's not his girlfriend. It wasn't emotional..he just 'got some head' that's it. Never even spoke to the chic again. Most men, and a lot of women would say he should be forgiven for this infidelity because it was just head. Men like to argue that head just ain't that serious, some even argue that head isn't cheating. Ok...let's say i wanted to agree (which I don't, lol), is it cool for the chic to go out and get some anonymous oral sex too? No emotions...just some guy she let 'lick the cat' (lol) and that was it. Is that cool? Most guys would flip the fuck out at this question and say 'HELL NO'. Which always cracks me up. They don't like that shit one bit. But it's super cool to get 'sum head'. I've had a guy tell me that because men are men..it's ok for them..but that women aren't suppose to conduct themselves this way. My arguement was, what makes you think men are supposed to conduct themselves like that? He tried to pull the cave man-esk arguement of men, as in when we all first came to be and were basically animals in a sense, were not meant to be with one woman and they are to sow their oats, so to speak. My arguement is...well we were using cell phones then either, should I stop paying my bill and tell AT&T I don't pay because it wasn't in my nature? Which is my way of trying to explain that you can't use old ass logic to explain a present day situation to me. Blacks and Whites used to not be allowed to marry...should all interacial couples never marry now? I mean come on..that list of examples could go on forever.
So I mean my point is....are we that different on who can and can't get free will oral sex? lol. My opinion would be...on that subject, we're the same. Wrong is wrong....if you want some head...get it from your significant other..or not at all. If you must get it from someone else...at least let the person your with know this...or break up with them. It's a nasty practice and just immoral. Have some respect and dignity for yourself and the ones you claim to care for.
Next example, less extreme....men would like to say that it's perferctly okay for them to have a plethera of female friends...but women shouldn't (while in relationships). I had the same guy argue me that it's okay for men to have female friends because they won't get taken advantage of, because it's not like some female is going to over power them and rape them. He felt like a female in a relationship shouldn't have male friends because if something bad happened to the girlfriend by one of her 'guy friends' it would be so awful. My arguement was....you don't have to have guy friends to get raped, for one. That's just a general concern for any woman. Then I tried to explain the concept of trust in a relationship and the possibility of spending more time with other women then your girlfriend...which can happen with too many female friends. And that's something..that if a girlfriend where to blow her boyfriend off for guy friends, it'd be ''curtains''. lol. Ya know what I'm saying? Him and I went back and forth on that for a while and never really agreed. My over all opinion is that it's cool for both sexes to have a few friends of the opposite sex....no problem. Now if you're married...that gets a lil more complex...but I'ma keep it simple...we're not going there. lol. My only thing is, if you have a friend of the opposite sex that you don't want to introduce to you significant other or bring them around...they probably shouldn't exist in the first place. That's all I'm saying. And if, at any time, you start to feel that friend might be trying to cross that friend line....red flag!!! You just gotta be respectful to the person you claim to love and want to be with. Friends are friends..no biggie...but remember, we don't flirt with friends. You shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with opposite sex friends unless one of you is dying...lol. Like use common sense. And guys who expect to be the only male friend in their girlfriends life, don't be surprised when your girl wants all your time and wants to talk constantly about shit you don't care about. You wanted to be her ONLY male friend....so step up and eat it. You asked for it.
But y'all let me know what you think of this....I got more debatable subjects coming I promise..lol.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Old Habits, Die Hard
Why do old habits die so hard sometimes. When I make this statement, honestly, I have Love habits on my mind. A lot of people compare Love to a drug; people say that Love can be very addicting. Once again, honestly, I would have to agree almost 90% of the time. I've even read that there is basis to this story in that dopamine is secreted in the brain when a person is in Love. Which gives the feeling of euphoria, therefore causing us to want more....causing us to fiend when its no longer there. *sigh* Life is complicated enough as it is without knowing this. I mean, people these days tend to casually date....which is really just putting your heart out there time and time again, never really knowing if this person is ''the one'' or if the next five will be. You know what I mean? Geezus.
Well this leads to my present thoughts. I will have to say I've probably been in Love with this one person for going on 3 years now. It is starting to hit really hard times right now though. When I say hard times...I mean, I'm not even sure if we still go together half the time. I never know anything anymore, and neither does he. It's absolutely awful. However, because of old habits...even when I know I'm pissed off at him, and I know he's wrong....I'll turn around and want to be up under him. When I go somewhere..I instinctively want to invite him. When I'm shopping I still want to get him things. I have no clue whether he does the same when he's by himself, but I know I do out of habit. It leads me terrified of the fact that if we are ''broken up'' that I will have to get over all of this. It's horribly depressing. Even if I knew it were for the best, the ''withdrawal'' would be awful. It makes me wonder, how many people out there stay together...just to avoid ever having to get over each other???
I have often caught myself wanting to fix my relationship purely off of the fear of having to get over my relationship. When I catch myself doing this, it scares the hell out of me! I mean it's so scary to have to deal with our inner emotions sometimes...and some people chose to just not deal at all. I don't ever want to become one of those people. But I am still fairly young and I haven't been in a ton of serious relationships. So it's hard to distinguish between whether I should stick around and try to work it out with this guy...or if it's run it's course and it's time to move on. How do you know when it's really over???
Well enough of this depressing-ness...but seriously, if anyone can shed some light.....please do.
Well this leads to my present thoughts. I will have to say I've probably been in Love with this one person for going on 3 years now. It is starting to hit really hard times right now though. When I say hard times...I mean, I'm not even sure if we still go together half the time. I never know anything anymore, and neither does he. It's absolutely awful. However, because of old habits...even when I know I'm pissed off at him, and I know he's wrong....I'll turn around and want to be up under him. When I go somewhere..I instinctively want to invite him. When I'm shopping I still want to get him things. I have no clue whether he does the same when he's by himself, but I know I do out of habit. It leads me terrified of the fact that if we are ''broken up'' that I will have to get over all of this. It's horribly depressing. Even if I knew it were for the best, the ''withdrawal'' would be awful. It makes me wonder, how many people out there stay together...just to avoid ever having to get over each other???
I have often caught myself wanting to fix my relationship purely off of the fear of having to get over my relationship. When I catch myself doing this, it scares the hell out of me! I mean it's so scary to have to deal with our inner emotions sometimes...and some people chose to just not deal at all. I don't ever want to become one of those people. But I am still fairly young and I haven't been in a ton of serious relationships. So it's hard to distinguish between whether I should stick around and try to work it out with this guy...or if it's run it's course and it's time to move on. How do you know when it's really over???
Well enough of this depressing-ness...but seriously, if anyone can shed some light.....please do.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
i hate my life right now.....sorry
i am not using correct punctuation and ish in this one...i could care less...i just wanted to vent. i hate my life so much right now....i mean...im happy to be alive of course, so dont start giving me a speech...i dont want it. fuck you. im so unhappy. im no where i ever wanted to be, other than outta my mom's craziness..thats it....im not in school, im not in an anywhere near ideal job, im not in an anywhere near stable relationship, some of my best friends are no where near me...because they are doin the things with their lives that they wanted to do. im the left overs. im what happened after class of 2004 graduated from my school....im the shit they scraped up. smh.
i have NO help with raising my sis....yes i have maybe one person that will watch her for me here and there...but to be honest, i think that if it werent for her having a two year old..that my sis takes off her hands...she would mysteriously be too busy to keep my sis. i have a friend that does give me rides to places when i need it...but she doesnt have anything else to do right now...she will eventually get busy living her life. this is what adults do. however...i was forced into adulthood while everyone else was fucking around...now they've started to get the hand of adulthood....and im sucking at it still...its a fuckin wonder to me.
i have/had? a boyfriend for whom i dam near worshipped for all of two years, played house like a motherfucker....and he wouldnt call me his girlfriend for all these legitimate sounding reasons at the time...so what does my dumass do? stick around until i get what i want. he finally admits a real relationship between us almost three years in...and now im learning the true meaning of 'be careful what you ask for'. smh. i see why he didnt want a relationship now. why the fuck did i not just get that three years ago??!! am i that fuckin stupid?? fuck. its so ridiculous...AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* i just want this part of my life to pass and get to the good parts already...im tired of all of this ''do good and good will come your way'' ive been an fuckin outstanding human bein for a while now....and im still getting ran through the wringer.....when does this slow torture stop?! thank god i have no children of my own. thank god. i dont think i could take anymore stress or a dumass man im stuck with for the rest of my life in some shape or form becuz of a kid. ugh.
WHY IS EVERYONE AROUND ME A DUMASS....for gods sakes i really wonder if my 15 year old sister is the smartest person around here sumtimes...im going to stop rambling now...cuz its going to start repeating itself in a minute im sure......tune in for my next mental breakdown!!!
i have NO help with raising my sis....yes i have maybe one person that will watch her for me here and there...but to be honest, i think that if it werent for her having a two year old..that my sis takes off her hands...she would mysteriously be too busy to keep my sis. i have a friend that does give me rides to places when i need it...but she doesnt have anything else to do right now...she will eventually get busy living her life. this is what adults do. however...i was forced into adulthood while everyone else was fucking around...now they've started to get the hand of adulthood....and im sucking at it still...its a fuckin wonder to me.
i have/had? a boyfriend for whom i dam near worshipped for all of two years, played house like a motherfucker....and he wouldnt call me his girlfriend for all these legitimate sounding reasons at the time...so what does my dumass do? stick around until i get what i want. he finally admits a real relationship between us almost three years in...and now im learning the true meaning of 'be careful what you ask for'. smh. i see why he didnt want a relationship now. why the fuck did i not just get that three years ago??!! am i that fuckin stupid?? fuck. its so ridiculous...AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* i just want this part of my life to pass and get to the good parts already...im tired of all of this ''do good and good will come your way'' ive been an fuckin outstanding human bein for a while now....and im still getting ran through the wringer.....when does this slow torture stop?! thank god i have no children of my own. thank god. i dont think i could take anymore stress or a dumass man im stuck with for the rest of my life in some shape or form becuz of a kid. ugh.
WHY IS EVERYONE AROUND ME A DUMASS....for gods sakes i really wonder if my 15 year old sister is the smartest person around here sumtimes...im going to stop rambling now...cuz its going to start repeating itself in a minute im sure......tune in for my next mental breakdown!!!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Siblings, Myspace, And Slightly Stalking...LOL
Soooo...I recently asked the random people at ''thisisbeptv.com'' a question for advise. I have since received about four or five replies to this question, which has got me thinking. Here's the story...
I am 22 years old (in case you've missed that in previous posts) and I haven't seen my father since I was one. No hard feelings. He and my mother had divorced, he moved to Tennessee and my mother stayed here in South Carolina. I was both he and my mother's first child. Since, my mother had another daughter...and he's had another daughter and three boys by two other women. He and my mother lost contact at some point in time before I even hit kindergarten. His parents (my grandparents) found me when I was in, I think, first grade. I had some fun with them, then we lost contact with them as well. Either way, I took it upon my self when I was 18 and in my senior year in high school to search for my father to speak with him at least once in my lifetime and his. I found him through my grandparents (I still had their address on an old card). I spoke with him on the phone a couple of times and it was awkward as hell for me and therefore short lived on my part. I began to stop answering his calls and not calling him. He kept wanting me to come see him or come live with him...and I just wasn't comfortable nor did i really have the means at the time. However, it became all he wanted to talk about....so I just got annoyed with it.
Needless to say...my other siblings with him are a now 19 year old brother, 17 year old sister, and two very young brothers. The two older children I spoke to when I contacted him the first time. The sister was very happy to not be the only girl in the family as she once thought she was...the brother (who until that point had been the ''oldest'') was not so amused and only spoke to me because our dad asked him to, I believe. Either way, never spoke to them again.
Now to present day. I probably haven't spoke to my father in almost a year (for reasons of my own) and yet I have recently stumbled across both my brother and sister on Myspace (of all places). So my question to the good people on ''thisisbeptv.com'' was...''Should I make attempt to contact them over Myspace, and would that be creepy if I did?'' I was honestly surprised at the all around unanimous response to this question (which I should have already known, but I didn't). Everyone said that I should definitely reach out to them. It was even pointed out by Ms. ''Golden'' that I had more to gain then loose. This was a good point once I thought it over. ''LilBoyFresh'' stated that they should be more amazed then creeped out by it. I've taken all of this into consideration. Now I feel like it's a no brainer...that I should definitely contact them. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to say..and how to say it. Ya know?
I understand that not everyone has access to their family members. I realize that there are people out there that wish they could get in contact with their sisters and brothers and I have the opportunity in front of me. So I'm gonna do it kids!!! Wish me luck..and I will keep you posted as to the results.... =)
I am 22 years old (in case you've missed that in previous posts) and I haven't seen my father since I was one. No hard feelings. He and my mother had divorced, he moved to Tennessee and my mother stayed here in South Carolina. I was both he and my mother's first child. Since, my mother had another daughter...and he's had another daughter and three boys by two other women. He and my mother lost contact at some point in time before I even hit kindergarten. His parents (my grandparents) found me when I was in, I think, first grade. I had some fun with them, then we lost contact with them as well. Either way, I took it upon my self when I was 18 and in my senior year in high school to search for my father to speak with him at least once in my lifetime and his. I found him through my grandparents (I still had their address on an old card). I spoke with him on the phone a couple of times and it was awkward as hell for me and therefore short lived on my part. I began to stop answering his calls and not calling him. He kept wanting me to come see him or come live with him...and I just wasn't comfortable nor did i really have the means at the time. However, it became all he wanted to talk about....so I just got annoyed with it.
Needless to say...my other siblings with him are a now 19 year old brother, 17 year old sister, and two very young brothers. The two older children I spoke to when I contacted him the first time. The sister was very happy to not be the only girl in the family as she once thought she was...the brother (who until that point had been the ''oldest'') was not so amused and only spoke to me because our dad asked him to, I believe. Either way, never spoke to them again.
Now to present day. I probably haven't spoke to my father in almost a year (for reasons of my own) and yet I have recently stumbled across both my brother and sister on Myspace (of all places). So my question to the good people on ''thisisbeptv.com'' was...''Should I make attempt to contact them over Myspace, and would that be creepy if I did?'' I was honestly surprised at the all around unanimous response to this question (which I should have already known, but I didn't). Everyone said that I should definitely reach out to them. It was even pointed out by Ms. ''Golden'' that I had more to gain then loose. This was a good point once I thought it over. ''LilBoyFresh'' stated that they should be more amazed then creeped out by it. I've taken all of this into consideration. Now I feel like it's a no brainer...that I should definitely contact them. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to say..and how to say it. Ya know?
I understand that not everyone has access to their family members. I realize that there are people out there that wish they could get in contact with their sisters and brothers and I have the opportunity in front of me. So I'm gonna do it kids!!! Wish me luck..and I will keep you posted as to the results.... =)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
To Be, Or Not To Be....Completely Truthful???
Ahhhh.....another blog, another day. The funniest thing about this blog to me, is that none of my ''close'' friends know about it. I don't want their biased opinions. I want the opinions and thoughts of people whom I've never seen nor will probably ever meet. I like it this way, at least for now. Moving on though, that was just some random rambling for you. =)
So today I shall wonder and dwell on in this blog, truthfulness. So many people say that you can not be in a meaningful friendship or relationship if you are not honest. I always wonder about that. Do any of us tell any one person in our lives the whole truth and nothing but, day in and day out? Is that actually possible? Or am I just being sinacle?
We've all heard the theory on ''lil white lies'' and how sometimes they're okay as long as we're using them to spare one's feelings. Of course, that never settled with me. I believe to not tell someone something just to spare their feelings is usually more harmful to them then the truth could have ever been. So I wrap my mind in circles on this subject.
So I'll give you my opinion...I believe that it is within human nature to lie at all. Some people lie more than others, of course, but everyone lies in some way, shape, or form. I don't think this is necessarily ''cool'', but I do accept it as a fact in my life. I wonder if I could ever be in a friendship or relationship where I was completely honest. In my opinion thus far, I don't think so. And to be honest, I'm a VERY truthful person...but I don't think I will ever meet one person that will know everything about me. There will always be something I will leave out. And I honestly expect others to do the same to me. I just hope that other people and myself keep the omissions to a minimum is all.
I think some secrets kept to yourself are very healthy...then there are the secrets that do nothing but eat you from the inside out. As we grow we have to learn which secrets are which...then go through the horrible task of deciding who it is safe to tell those secrets that need to be told to. People aren't as trustworthy as they once appeared to be these days. And our economy situation makes this no better. People are at their moral worst in times of crisis the majority of the time.
Sometimes I just want to tell everyone to tell me what it is they need to get out. I honestly wouldn't tell a sole.....honestly, I wouldn't. But the sad part is, majority of people are either to scared you'll judge them or tell other's....or that you'd be a waste to tell because you could never possibly understand where they're coming from....*sigh* My innocent appearances on the outside don't help with this misconception either. Nor does me being a decent looking young white female in America. People assume I must have it better than they do on even my worst day. ( I also wish people would stop trying to weight each others problems to decide who's are worst....every one's problems are the worst things that are happening to them...and just because they're not your problems...doesn't make them any less)
So my question is....do you think you could be completely truthful to any one person...do you think anyone could ever be completely truthful with you? Tell me what you think.
So today I shall wonder and dwell on in this blog, truthfulness. So many people say that you can not be in a meaningful friendship or relationship if you are not honest. I always wonder about that. Do any of us tell any one person in our lives the whole truth and nothing but, day in and day out? Is that actually possible? Or am I just being sinacle?
We've all heard the theory on ''lil white lies'' and how sometimes they're okay as long as we're using them to spare one's feelings. Of course, that never settled with me. I believe to not tell someone something just to spare their feelings is usually more harmful to them then the truth could have ever been. So I wrap my mind in circles on this subject.
So I'll give you my opinion...I believe that it is within human nature to lie at all. Some people lie more than others, of course, but everyone lies in some way, shape, or form. I don't think this is necessarily ''cool'', but I do accept it as a fact in my life. I wonder if I could ever be in a friendship or relationship where I was completely honest. In my opinion thus far, I don't think so. And to be honest, I'm a VERY truthful person...but I don't think I will ever meet one person that will know everything about me. There will always be something I will leave out. And I honestly expect others to do the same to me. I just hope that other people and myself keep the omissions to a minimum is all.
I think some secrets kept to yourself are very healthy...then there are the secrets that do nothing but eat you from the inside out. As we grow we have to learn which secrets are which...then go through the horrible task of deciding who it is safe to tell those secrets that need to be told to. People aren't as trustworthy as they once appeared to be these days. And our economy situation makes this no better. People are at their moral worst in times of crisis the majority of the time.
Sometimes I just want to tell everyone to tell me what it is they need to get out. I honestly wouldn't tell a sole.....honestly, I wouldn't. But the sad part is, majority of people are either to scared you'll judge them or tell other's....or that you'd be a waste to tell because you could never possibly understand where they're coming from....*sigh* My innocent appearances on the outside don't help with this misconception either. Nor does me being a decent looking young white female in America. People assume I must have it better than they do on even my worst day. ( I also wish people would stop trying to weight each others problems to decide who's are worst....every one's problems are the worst things that are happening to them...and just because they're not your problems...doesn't make them any less)
So my question is....do you think you could be completely truthful to any one person...do you think anyone could ever be completely truthful with you? Tell me what you think.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
