Ok..this is going to sound super lame..but I don't care. Not that many people read my blog as it is. Lol. So why should I care what sounds lame, right? Yeah. Well I was sitting up going through YouTube videos..for some reason or another I ended up on 'Because of You' by Kelly Clarkson. Good song honestly..always liked it..never seen the video before though. Well..for some reason..it brought me to tears a little because it made me think of my mother. In the video, Kelly is getting into an arguement with her husband..and their daughter peeps around the corner..at this very moment, there's a flashback. It goes back to when Kelly was younger and she peeped in on her mom and dad's arguements and her dad left her and her mom. The over all idea is that because of her dad she can't properly love in her adult life..and it's about to be passed on to her daughter. Deep stuff in my eyes..because I have felt this way about both of my parents at some point in time. I've thought that because of them my future relationships could end up a little screwy.
(you can see the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73-V2A3NuWo)
Moving on a little..that was just a prelude to why I wanted to blog about my mom a little. I feel so many emotions towards her, and I probably always will. I contacted my mom, after three years of not speaking, a few days ago. We stopped speaking because she was obviously having problems that I could not fix and that were bringing me and my little sister down with her. I never truely knew what these problems were. I knew one was drinking..and I assumed there had to be more..but I couldn't really prove it so I let it be. As soon as I contacted her..she admitted to me that she had now got over what was over a ten year concaine addiction. Now don't get me wrong..I had assumed it was cocaine..but I had NO idea it had been that long. So my point is, what all this makes me feel. Firstly, I feel almost guilty that I never noticed until the final years. However, I realize that this addiction started when i was only 8 or 9. She told me where we were living when she started..and that's how old I was then. My sister had just turned one when we lived in that house. That means my mom was never not on drugs since my sister was little. That's so sad for her and my sister in my eyes. I always wondered why things seemed to change so much when my sister was born. I realize there's no way I should have known at that age. I realize that for a young kid to assume their mom is on drugs is a little far fetched. I always loved my mom to death, no matter what. She was always my best friend, I really would tell her anything. She was always an awesome person. I'm not just saying all this becuase she is my mom, everyone loved her. I can't believe this went on that long. I wish I could have figured it out. I wish I could have helped. I know there wasn't much I could have done. It just is still saddening that she had to go through that for so long. She needed help. I wish she could have found it a long time ago.
Then I feel sad that she missed the past three years. She'll never get them back. She missed vital years with my sister..from 12-15 years old. I know that hurts her soul. I'm sad for myself that I haven't had a mom the past three years...because I didn't have anyone I could truely trust. She was always it. She was the one person I knew had my back no matter what. I tried to find that while she was gone..couldn't. No one can love you like a mom can. (not that all mom's do..but you know what I mean..like they 'can')
Lastly, I'm SO happy she finally found her way. She's so happy now. She loves herself again. She's the mom I grew up with. I'm just completely in love with her all over again. I am terrified of her ever going back to that dark place, I will admit. But hopefully seeing where's she's been, and seeing where she is now..will help her never go back. I love my mom..she's been through so much..but she's still my hero. No matter what. I still look up to her. I never stopped. I don't think she'll ever realize that.
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2 comments:
wow. I'm so happy your mom got over het addiction.
this is deep. its very good to hear tho. that does leave an empty feeling inside tho. ive felt like that before lookin at the past thinkin bout how you could have changed the future and possibly make it better. if you make sure shes hsappy she has no reason to turn back. good post tho.
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