This is a blog to speak on something I feel very strongly about. Domestic disputes. I recently wanted to blog about this subject in particular because they seem so very common. Or at least where I'm from. They seem very easy to become a part of if you're not watching yourself.
Now I have been a child who's mom was involved in domestic violence. I have been the friend, who's friend was part of domestic violence. I have been the girlfriend, who tried to fight her boyfriend in a fit of rage. And now, I have been the girlfriend who had to leave her boyfriend, because it looked like he was going to take it to that next level. I never thought I'd see the day, however I knew it was completely possible. No one is immune. You never know what can happen. When you're mad...and/or when another person is mad...you just don't know.
When my mother used to get physically abused by a boyfriend, I used to think of how no two adults should ever let it get to that point. I knew my mom could have started it, I've always been a reasonable person. I look at things from all perspectives. But even if she did start it, why could the man not be the more mature person...and not take it to a physical level. There's a reason why if the cops get called on a regular old fight, and bother parties were struck...both parties can press charges. Because at the end of the day, you usually have the option to walk away. In almost all domestic violence cases..the initiator of the violence, could have just walked away. No matter how mad you are.
Now when my friends would get into these situations..male or female...the initiator..or the victim..I usually hear them out..try to understand the points of view..and then always give the same advice: let it go..take a break...y'all are movin to fast and you're loosing site of what's going on here. Probably no one ever listens..but I try. After that, I'm out of their business. I don't want to know anymore about it unless you're trying to tell me to call the police for you. I'll do that. Other than that, I'm out of it.
When I've been the ''crazy'' girlfriend that wanted to fight her man, I knew I was wrong. I would get so pissed that I would throw things at the wall. After that stopped helping, I threw things at HIM. When that stopped helping, I wanted to shove him, hit him, anything that would get that fire out from under me. I was so wrong, and when he would restrain me..I was never offended. I don't feel that him restraining me, with out hitting me, was rude or disrespectful. That was a good way to handle that situation. I eventually grew up, and learned that I was asking for trouble. That what I was doing was no way to handle that situation and that I was more than hurting him..but also hurting myself. It was a poison. I stopped. I still get pissed, don't get me wrong..and I still want to throw things...but I won't. I walk away. I hang up that phone, even if it's rude. I leave that house. I get out that car. Because it's the more reasonable and mature thing to do, than let my anger get the best of me.
Now recently, I've had to leave my boyfriend (the same one I used to try to fight) because it looked like he was getting too physical. I can not accept that. The worse part is he started getting physical when he was not even provoked. I understand if I shove you, you shove me back. It may not be right, but I get it. He has put his hand forcefully over my mouth because he wanted me to shut up. Not cool. He grabs my arm when he does not want me to do something or move from somewhere. And when he used to ''accidentally'' do that..if I said, ''let go of my arm, that's not cool'' he would...not anymore. He has left me places that are UNSAFE all because he was pissed at me. I've had to walk home. He snatched my phone out of my hand when I told him if he did not let me go I would have to call the police. He got so offended and hurt once he snatched that phone and say it already had 911 on the screen. I don't play with that stuff. These are all MAJOR warning signs. I'd be a fool to sit around and wonder if it'll ever get worse than this. And I WILL call the cops for stuff like this. I would hate to mess up someone's record like that...but I will. It's unacceptable and when I give you a warning and ask you politely...you should take the hint. Don't get me wrong, I love this man to death. Been together for 3 years, a lot invested in each other. But this is a bad road to go down for the both of us. And he won't realize it, I do. And there's a major break a'comin. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, but we can no longer stay together to see what happens the next time someone is pissed.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, I don't know that if someone does..they even know where I'm coming from..but I had to put this out there for me...if no one else. To make it real...not just a notion in my head. Because I need to realize that it is. But my head is up. And I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to pray for the man in question here. I wish him nothing but the best, whether he realizes it or not. But I love myself too much to sit and try to teach him how to act in anger. I just barely know how to act myself. I'm in no position to teach anyone.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Uplifting Rant?? LOL
You know what? I was just sitting online trying to find an ''uplifting'' poem or article to make me feel better about some things, when I realized...none of that stuff was directly talking to me..so it really wasn't working. So I figured I'd write myself an uplifting something or another. Ya know? So here goes...
I have come from NOTHING and I'm trying to make it into something...and some people try to call themselves supporting me in my struggle..and yet they make sideways comments. Earth to these dumasses!!! Your sideways comments don't support me. They let me know how you really feel at the end of the day. Don't say you support me just because you know it's what a person in your position 'should' do. If you don't agree with something I'm doing...let it be known! Stand up for yourself! I am not your GOD....why beat around the bush with me. No one has to like or agree with everything I do...I don't care who they are. My mother, my sister, my significant other...etc...none of these people need to agree with me for me to live my life. You should just love me in spite of these things. I would appreciate your support, don't get me wrong..but I don't want false sentences..I'm smarter than that...I know you don't mean them. Just tell me you don't agree but you still love me. What's so hard about that???
Those who claim to care about me...don't tell me you want the best for me..and then push me back at every turn. You want me to get a better job...yet you telling me all the reasons why I'm not qualified and all the wrong decisions I've already made...yet you get a better job every other day. You can't help me out? But yet you can tell me what I'm doing right? Has anyone ever heard of encouragement? Do you really think telling me I'm a failure is going to make me wanna go out there and succeed? I mean I know I'm an intelligent female....but hell I got feelings too!! I still, to this day, don't have a person that loves me unconditionally, has my back NO MATTER what, and is telling me the good things I do and have done in life. To be honest, I KNOW I've done some awesome outstanding shit that, if there is a heaven, I'm so on the guest list. However, all I here about is the bad shit. And, to be honest again, I really haven't done that much bad. I make simple ass every day mistakes. I even take responsibility for them and atone for them. Yet I still get no slack. No one ever apologizes to me. I talk good about people all the time, cuz I know people need to hear that. Why doesn't anyone else know that?
So here's this..I'm 23..I take care of a 15 year old girl, BY MYSELF, no help. If you think that's easy..then I hope you never have to find out that you're wrong. I have a job, that sucks my ass hard...and IT itself is hard. Yet I have to hear about how I sit around my house all day and get paid. (My job isn't in my house, btw..so wtf?) I don't have a car. I don't even have a license...I never had a car to take the test in. Yes I know people and I've asked people...but you can guess the out come. I, in the past three years...have lent over 2,000 dollars to a significant other. Just saying to vouch for how crazy nice I am. I realize I will probably never see this money again. I have NO parental figures. I have NO safety net. I dropped outta high school to help my alcoholic mother who never helped herself. Now I don't have the time nor money to go back. I got accepted to 5 colleges in my area. I got an 115o on the SATs back when the max score was 1600. I'm not stupid. Yet I'm in a dumass job. I work hard for everything...no one gives me shit. The best I get is rides from people..and I appreciate those rides and those people. My point is...for the most part...I'm on my own. Yet I can't get any recognition for that. All I hear about is, 'Why you still ain't in school? WTF you waiting on?' Like I wanted this shit. All I hear is, 'Don't you need a car? Why you ain't got a license? WTF is wrong with you?' All I hears is, 'you let your sister do that? you should tell her this, tell her that. here's what i would do. here's how i think kids should be raised even though I've never had any' I mean wtf is wrong with people? If you're 27 and you've never had a kid..and I'm 23 taking care of a 15 year old...because I care about her...not because I asked to...leave me the fuck alone. You don't know what I should do to be honest. You don't know shit but how to get on my nerves!
Either way, I'm beginning to rant..and I am just disappointed by my surroundings. I'm tired of never hearing anything good. I'm exhausted by supporting people who can't or won't support me. I'm just tired of it all. It's alot. And you'd be surprised how much an adult needs parental figures. They're taken for granted. I mean I'm not saying parents rock or nothing...cuz mine don't. I'm just saying..the general concept of parents..is kinda needed. And I'm just wishing I had some right now. All I have is a handful of friends that are just as lost as I am and a boyfriend with the biggest chip on his shoulder about life...he's dam near useless when it comes to optimism. *sigh* I'll get over it.
I have come from NOTHING and I'm trying to make it into something...and some people try to call themselves supporting me in my struggle..and yet they make sideways comments. Earth to these dumasses!!! Your sideways comments don't support me. They let me know how you really feel at the end of the day. Don't say you support me just because you know it's what a person in your position 'should' do. If you don't agree with something I'm doing...let it be known! Stand up for yourself! I am not your GOD....why beat around the bush with me. No one has to like or agree with everything I do...I don't care who they are. My mother, my sister, my significant other...etc...none of these people need to agree with me for me to live my life. You should just love me in spite of these things. I would appreciate your support, don't get me wrong..but I don't want false sentences..I'm smarter than that...I know you don't mean them. Just tell me you don't agree but you still love me. What's so hard about that???
Those who claim to care about me...don't tell me you want the best for me..and then push me back at every turn. You want me to get a better job...yet you telling me all the reasons why I'm not qualified and all the wrong decisions I've already made...yet you get a better job every other day. You can't help me out? But yet you can tell me what I'm doing right? Has anyone ever heard of encouragement? Do you really think telling me I'm a failure is going to make me wanna go out there and succeed? I mean I know I'm an intelligent female....but hell I got feelings too!! I still, to this day, don't have a person that loves me unconditionally, has my back NO MATTER what, and is telling me the good things I do and have done in life. To be honest, I KNOW I've done some awesome outstanding shit that, if there is a heaven, I'm so on the guest list. However, all I here about is the bad shit. And, to be honest again, I really haven't done that much bad. I make simple ass every day mistakes. I even take responsibility for them and atone for them. Yet I still get no slack. No one ever apologizes to me. I talk good about people all the time, cuz I know people need to hear that. Why doesn't anyone else know that?
So here's this..I'm 23..I take care of a 15 year old girl, BY MYSELF, no help. If you think that's easy..then I hope you never have to find out that you're wrong. I have a job, that sucks my ass hard...and IT itself is hard. Yet I have to hear about how I sit around my house all day and get paid. (My job isn't in my house, btw..so wtf?) I don't have a car. I don't even have a license...I never had a car to take the test in. Yes I know people and I've asked people...but you can guess the out come. I, in the past three years...have lent over 2,000 dollars to a significant other. Just saying to vouch for how crazy nice I am. I realize I will probably never see this money again. I have NO parental figures. I have NO safety net. I dropped outta high school to help my alcoholic mother who never helped herself. Now I don't have the time nor money to go back. I got accepted to 5 colleges in my area. I got an 115o on the SATs back when the max score was 1600. I'm not stupid. Yet I'm in a dumass job. I work hard for everything...no one gives me shit. The best I get is rides from people..and I appreciate those rides and those people. My point is...for the most part...I'm on my own. Yet I can't get any recognition for that. All I hear about is, 'Why you still ain't in school? WTF you waiting on?' Like I wanted this shit. All I hear is, 'Don't you need a car? Why you ain't got a license? WTF is wrong with you?' All I hears is, 'you let your sister do that? you should tell her this, tell her that. here's what i would do. here's how i think kids should be raised even though I've never had any' I mean wtf is wrong with people? If you're 27 and you've never had a kid..and I'm 23 taking care of a 15 year old...because I care about her...not because I asked to...leave me the fuck alone. You don't know what I should do to be honest. You don't know shit but how to get on my nerves!
Either way, I'm beginning to rant..and I am just disappointed by my surroundings. I'm tired of never hearing anything good. I'm exhausted by supporting people who can't or won't support me. I'm just tired of it all. It's alot. And you'd be surprised how much an adult needs parental figures. They're taken for granted. I mean I'm not saying parents rock or nothing...cuz mine don't. I'm just saying..the general concept of parents..is kinda needed. And I'm just wishing I had some right now. All I have is a handful of friends that are just as lost as I am and a boyfriend with the biggest chip on his shoulder about life...he's dam near useless when it comes to optimism. *sigh* I'll get over it.
Equal or Not Equal? Men and Women
Let's see...topic for today...how about hypocrisy? How about hypocrisy in relationships? Are men and really so different that we should be able to get away with different things in relationships? Are we equal? Where should the line be drawn? This is a debate I have with myself frequently. Oddly enough...I can argue both side on this one. Sometimes I feel we are different and therefore situations are going to be handled as such, then other times I feel we're not so different that we shouldn't just get away with certain things due to gender....it's so confusing for me. Maybe you can help me out with this one.
Ok, let's try an extreme example in a relationship and then work our way simple. That's the way I like to operate debates. Let's say a man gets oral sex from a female that's not his girlfriend. It wasn't emotional..he just 'got some head' that's it. Never even spoke to the chic again. Most men, and a lot of women would say he should be forgiven for this infidelity because it was just head. Men like to argue that head just ain't that serious, some even argue that head isn't cheating. Ok...let's say i wanted to agree (which I don't, lol), is it cool for the chic to go out and get some anonymous oral sex too? No emotions...just some guy she let 'lick the cat' (lol) and that was it. Is that cool? Most guys would flip the fuck out at this question and say 'HELL NO'. Which always cracks me up. They don't like that shit one bit. But it's super cool to get 'sum head'. I've had a guy tell me that because men are men..it's ok for them..but that women aren't suppose to conduct themselves this way. My arguement was, what makes you think men are supposed to conduct themselves like that? He tried to pull the cave man-esk arguement of men, as in when we all first came to be and were basically animals in a sense, were not meant to be with one woman and they are to sow their oats, so to speak. My arguement is...well we were using cell phones then either, should I stop paying my bill and tell AT&T I don't pay because it wasn't in my nature? Which is my way of trying to explain that you can't use old ass logic to explain a present day situation to me. Blacks and Whites used to not be allowed to marry...should all interacial couples never marry now? I mean come on..that list of examples could go on forever.
So I mean my point is....are we that different on who can and can't get free will oral sex? lol. My opinion would be...on that subject, we're the same. Wrong is wrong....if you want some head...get it from your significant other..or not at all. If you must get it from someone else...at least let the person your with know this...or break up with them. It's a nasty practice and just immoral. Have some respect and dignity for yourself and the ones you claim to care for.
Next example, less extreme....men would like to say that it's perferctly okay for them to have a plethera of female friends...but women shouldn't (while in relationships). I had the same guy argue me that it's okay for men to have female friends because they won't get taken advantage of, because it's not like some female is going to over power them and rape them. He felt like a female in a relationship shouldn't have male friends because if something bad happened to the girlfriend by one of her 'guy friends' it would be so awful. My arguement was....you don't have to have guy friends to get raped, for one. That's just a general concern for any woman. Then I tried to explain the concept of trust in a relationship and the possibility of spending more time with other women then your girlfriend...which can happen with too many female friends. And that's something..that if a girlfriend where to blow her boyfriend off for guy friends, it'd be ''curtains''. lol. Ya know what I'm saying? Him and I went back and forth on that for a while and never really agreed. My over all opinion is that it's cool for both sexes to have a few friends of the opposite sex....no problem. Now if you're married...that gets a lil more complex...but I'ma keep it simple...we're not going there. lol. My only thing is, if you have a friend of the opposite sex that you don't want to introduce to you significant other or bring them around...they probably shouldn't exist in the first place. That's all I'm saying. And if, at any time, you start to feel that friend might be trying to cross that friend line....red flag!!! You just gotta be respectful to the person you claim to love and want to be with. Friends are friends..no biggie...but remember, we don't flirt with friends. You shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with opposite sex friends unless one of you is dying...lol. Like use common sense. And guys who expect to be the only male friend in their girlfriends life, don't be surprised when your girl wants all your time and wants to talk constantly about shit you don't care about. You wanted to be her ONLY male friend....so step up and eat it. You asked for it.
But y'all let me know what you think of this....I got more debatable subjects coming I promise..lol.
Ok, let's try an extreme example in a relationship and then work our way simple. That's the way I like to operate debates. Let's say a man gets oral sex from a female that's not his girlfriend. It wasn't emotional..he just 'got some head' that's it. Never even spoke to the chic again. Most men, and a lot of women would say he should be forgiven for this infidelity because it was just head. Men like to argue that head just ain't that serious, some even argue that head isn't cheating. Ok...let's say i wanted to agree (which I don't, lol), is it cool for the chic to go out and get some anonymous oral sex too? No emotions...just some guy she let 'lick the cat' (lol) and that was it. Is that cool? Most guys would flip the fuck out at this question and say 'HELL NO'. Which always cracks me up. They don't like that shit one bit. But it's super cool to get 'sum head'. I've had a guy tell me that because men are men..it's ok for them..but that women aren't suppose to conduct themselves this way. My arguement was, what makes you think men are supposed to conduct themselves like that? He tried to pull the cave man-esk arguement of men, as in when we all first came to be and were basically animals in a sense, were not meant to be with one woman and they are to sow their oats, so to speak. My arguement is...well we were using cell phones then either, should I stop paying my bill and tell AT&T I don't pay because it wasn't in my nature? Which is my way of trying to explain that you can't use old ass logic to explain a present day situation to me. Blacks and Whites used to not be allowed to marry...should all interacial couples never marry now? I mean come on..that list of examples could go on forever.
So I mean my point is....are we that different on who can and can't get free will oral sex? lol. My opinion would be...on that subject, we're the same. Wrong is wrong....if you want some head...get it from your significant other..or not at all. If you must get it from someone else...at least let the person your with know this...or break up with them. It's a nasty practice and just immoral. Have some respect and dignity for yourself and the ones you claim to care for.
Next example, less extreme....men would like to say that it's perferctly okay for them to have a plethera of female friends...but women shouldn't (while in relationships). I had the same guy argue me that it's okay for men to have female friends because they won't get taken advantage of, because it's not like some female is going to over power them and rape them. He felt like a female in a relationship shouldn't have male friends because if something bad happened to the girlfriend by one of her 'guy friends' it would be so awful. My arguement was....you don't have to have guy friends to get raped, for one. That's just a general concern for any woman. Then I tried to explain the concept of trust in a relationship and the possibility of spending more time with other women then your girlfriend...which can happen with too many female friends. And that's something..that if a girlfriend where to blow her boyfriend off for guy friends, it'd be ''curtains''. lol. Ya know what I'm saying? Him and I went back and forth on that for a while and never really agreed. My over all opinion is that it's cool for both sexes to have a few friends of the opposite sex....no problem. Now if you're married...that gets a lil more complex...but I'ma keep it simple...we're not going there. lol. My only thing is, if you have a friend of the opposite sex that you don't want to introduce to you significant other or bring them around...they probably shouldn't exist in the first place. That's all I'm saying. And if, at any time, you start to feel that friend might be trying to cross that friend line....red flag!!! You just gotta be respectful to the person you claim to love and want to be with. Friends are friends..no biggie...but remember, we don't flirt with friends. You shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with opposite sex friends unless one of you is dying...lol. Like use common sense. And guys who expect to be the only male friend in their girlfriends life, don't be surprised when your girl wants all your time and wants to talk constantly about shit you don't care about. You wanted to be her ONLY male friend....so step up and eat it. You asked for it.
But y'all let me know what you think of this....I got more debatable subjects coming I promise..lol.
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